My Deeks
by JerichoSteele
Summary: A follow-up chapter for "My Kensi" ... and, once again, I beg for mercy.


**A/N: Okay ... you wanted it, so here it is. **

**And if you disliked me before, you'll hate me when you finish reading ... and if you hated me before, I may find myself tied to chair with a drill in my mouth.**

**This one is little longer than "My Kensi" but there was too much interaction to just leave it as thoughts and memories inside someone's head.**

* * *

**My Deeks**

...

I wasn't sure how the girls talked me into coming out to the beach on such a hot California Saturday morning. They insisted that I needed to get out and relax for a change and, in the end, I knew they were probably right. The morning sun felt good on my skin and the salty breeze caused a faint stirring in my memories, but before those thoughts took me to another time and place, I quickly shifted to other things and let the past stay in the past.

Rolling over onto my stomach, I pulled a ragged paperback book out of my beach bag and flipped to a dog-eared page. Letting the sun's warmth creep across my back, I slowly lost myself in my favorite book and the tales of Hobbits, Orcs, Gold and a Dragon.

"Holy Bat Crap!" The sudden outburst came from Tasha, one of the best technical analysts working at the Office of Special Projects and now a good friend of mine. "Check out that guy on the white and blue board ... he's killing it!"

I didn't even look up from my book as the other three women sitting beside me "Oooo'd" and "Ahhh'd" over the man out on the surfboard that was the focus of their heated interests. They started going on about his muscles, his hair, his ass ... the girls were obviously enjoying the view this particular surfer was providing.

"Kensi ... " That would be Katherine, whom everyone called 'Kit Kat', who was bumping my shoulder with her elbow. "... look ... you've _got_ to check him out!"

"Come on Kit Kat, I don't need to 'check out' every guy you see on the beach this morning." My eyes continued to skim over the words written on the pages in front of me.

"_Yes_ ... this time ... you really do. He's _gorgeous." _Katherine sounded almost out-of-breath.

For a few more moments, I resisted the urge to glance up at the current source of the other women's obsession. The one that had caught their attention the last time they came to the beach was a muscle-bound lunk-head who was way too proud of how good his body looked in his way-too-small swim trunks.

"If I wasn't happily married ... " Now Hannah jumped in. " ... I'd say that he is hot."

I knew that Hannah was, indeed, happily married to a very handsome and incredibly sweet man named Daniel ... so if this man out on the waves had garnered a comment from her, then maybe a quick glance wouldn't hurt.

Oh how wrong I was.

When my eyes found him, he was at the very peak of an awesome wave that pushed him higher and faster than any of the other surfers out on the water. Most of them had missed this particular wave and had to be content on watching someone else ride it in ... and this lone surfer was, to quote Tasha ... "killing it."

And I would have recognized him anywhere and at anytime.

Deeks.

_My _Deeks.

My eyes flew open slightly at the sight of my former partner as he continued to turn his body and whip back and forth across the tip of the wave. His lean, muscled body did magical things on his board, almost as if he was one with it. The comments from my beach-mates told me that he was also doing 'magical' things to them ... and for a brief moment, I felt something stir deep inside of me as well.

Katherine had been correct ... he was gorgeous, much the way I remembered him from all those years ago. I could remember all the times he had dragged me to the beach on some morning so he could catch a few waves before work ... the time he had taught me how to do it myself and how incredibly happy I had been.

But that had been an age ago.

Before a case involving a man named Sidorov.

Before a night spent 'communicating' that made lovers out of two friends.

Before Afghanistan tore us ... and me ... apart

Before Jack came back into my life.

Before I had pushed one of the best men I had ever known completely out of my world.

"Kensi? You okay over there?"

I nodded my head, clearing away old wounds and old regrets. "Yeah ... I'm good."

Tasha turned her eyes back out onto the water. "It's just that you looked like saw something you liked ... _finally_."

_If only you knew the truth. _

I kept my mouth closed but my eyes were locked on the form of the man I hadn't seen in years and a sick feeling was creeping into the pit of my stomach ... and my heart. The days after my return from Afghanistan ... after he had rescued, not only me, but Jack and the entire team ... had been horrible. I had wanted to do nothing but curl up in my blankets and forget everything about what had happened ... but my past had, once again, come back to haunt me.

What happened to me and Jack up in those caves was indescribable ... but seeing my former fiance' again had been worse. I wasn't prepared to be so close to him and hearing the reasons why he had left in the first place brought back all the guilt and shame about not being enough for him the first time.

That's what drove me to stay in touch with him after I got back to the states and learned of Hetty's and Jack's connection. I had failed him once before and I was hell-bent on not doing it again. I hadn't intended to get so close again ... after all, I had Deeks who was being so caring and loving during my recovery. But I just couldn't stop the old feelings for Jack that continued to mount as I worked with Hetty to get him out of Afghanistan and protect him from the reach of the CIA. Pushing Deeks away had been an unfortunate side-affect of my quest to save Jack one more time ... my mind, that was telling me that I needed to let go of the past and move on, lost out to my heart that still carried too much regret and unresolved questions about why things had gone so wrong back when I was much younger and so in love.

A late night call that I had at first thought was from Deeks, turned out to be from Jack and he had sounded so scared and vulnerable ... at that moment, I had made plans to meet him in France so we could finally get everything out in the open and I would get answers to all of the remaining questions. The trip to Hawaii that Deeks and I had planned the night we spent 'communicating', was completely forgotten as I was pulled along by forces I didn't fully understand.

After an evening filled with tears and confessions with Jack, my heart led me back into his arms and into his bed. At that moment, I thought I had found what was once lost and gone forever ... and I purposed in my heart to not let us fall apart again.

When I came back home, Jack at my side, and saw the broken look on my partner's face ... I almost relented and begged Deeks to forgive me. But I was stubborn and determined ... and I just pushed my partner, my best friend, my 'so much more' away, until there was nothing left of what had once been a very beautiful 'thing'.

A few months after Jack and I came home, I took the next step and introduced Jack to my mother. A few weeks later, he took me out for a night filled with romance and laughter ... when he knelt on one knee and offered me a brand new diamond ring ... my heart flew back to where we had left off when we were young and in love. When I had shown off the ring finger of my left hand at the Mission, the look on Deeks' face that revealed a devastated heart, hadn't affected me all that much ... I was Bad Ass Blye and when I set my mind to something ... I did it.

It was years later when a truth that I had ignored came crashing into my reality. While the heart can be both strong and at the same time fragile ... it is often misled and fooled into thinking that something is there when it is not. The absence of a wedding band on my left hand was now apart of my reality ... I had been so blinded by the desire to fix what had been broken, I had thrown away the one thing, or one person, that had been sustaining me for longer than I could remember.

Now, as I lay on warm sand and watched an older Deeks skim the waves ... the look on his face when he had choked back a sob and actually wished me the best in my upcoming marriage, stuck in my head and I just couldn't shake it free. He had supported me through all that I had done for Jack, even when I let the 'thing' between us waste away and finally die ... Deeks had always been true to his word and stayed right by my side until I had finally pushed him away for good.

My thoughts were interrupted when Katherine grabbed me by the forearm and squealed quietly. "Oh My God! He's coming over this way!"

That snapped my mind out of the fog of old memories and regret. I jumped to my feet, pulling a t-shirt back over my bikini top as I threw my book and towel into my beach bag. "Look, I've got a lot to do today so I'm going to go ahead and head out."

Tasha rocked forward on the sand. "But Kensi, you just got here ... relax, maybe he'll ask for your number."

_Not freaking likely ... he's more liable to beat me to death with his surfboard. _

My hands were shaking and I dropped the bag onto the sand, almost the entire contents spilling out. I dropped to my knees, frantically trying to gather my book, keys, phone, badge and gun back into the bag that suddenly seemed to be conspiring against me. "Shit, shit, shit!"

"Slow down Kensi ... what's wrong with you?" Hannah leaned down and tried to help me while I was on the verge of a major meltdown. "Just chill girl!"

"I've got to go ... right now!" Bad Ass Blye had vanished and scared-as-hell Kensi had shown up. Finally, my bag opened and allowed me to grab up everything and move away from my very curious friends.

When suddenly, a long shadow fell over me and a still familiar male voice called out my name

"Kensi?"

_Shit._

I was busted and I knew it. Turning slowly, I caught the surprised looks on my friend's faces as they watched me, their mouths hanging open in total shock at the turn of events. I took a deep breath and turned to face the man who at one time in my life, had been my everything ... _my_ Deeks.

"Deeks." My tone was flat ... emotionless. It was either that or I knew my voice would crack.

"I thought that it was you." His words held none of the warmth that had always been there when he spoke to me.

Awkward wasn't even close to describing the feeling between us. The women still sitting on the sand beside us had fallen completely silent and the only movement was the blinking of their stunned eyes.

After a few moments of think tension, Deeks spoke first. "So, how have you been?"

"Fine." It came out way easier than I had thought it would, and I had to smile shyly. "I mean, I'm good ... I'm good. How about you?"

There was a hint of a smile and it still did something funny to my stomach when I saw it.

"Not too bad ... the waves were great this morning."

Then the awkwardness returned.

"So ... um ... are you still with NCIS?"

It felt strange to me that we now knew so little about each other's lives, when there had been a time I knew him better than I knew myself. "Yeah, still there ... got my own team now."

"That's cool." Deeks glanced around me to nod to the women staring at him. "Hi ladies."

I dropped her head, embarrassed that I had forgotten all about them. I made quick introductions, telling them that Deeks and I had worked together for a few years. If the flippant way I described what we had once been affected him in any way, I must have missed it.

"Nice to meet you all." The flirty smile he had used so many times in the past wasn't there. Instead, he quickly turned back to face me.

When his Pacific blues focused on my eyes, I dropped my gaze to the seam on the shoulder of his wet suit. "You still with LAPD?" I knew that he was. After a Knicks game or an outing shared with their old teammate, Callen and Sam would sometimes talk about what Deeks was up too back at his old department.

"Yeah, made they finally put me in charge of all the undercover operations for the department and I even get to teach over at the Police Academy from time to time."

"Wow ... that's ... that's great!" I tried to sound excited but the absence of him from my life actually hurt more than I thought possible.

Deeks flipped his board up and drove the end into the sand in a very graceful movement. For his age, he still looked splendid in his wetsuit when he moved. But the smirk that had always played across his face when he had caught me ogling him, didn't appear this time.

"So, what's it like working for Callen since Hetty retired?" Deeks ran his hand through his hair that while still long, was cut to a respectable length, more fitting to a LAPD Captain. He still had a little scruff, but it was neatly trimmed ... I suddenly remembered how that scruff felt against the skin of my face, my chest ... the insides of my thighs.

_Don't go there ... please. _I begged my traitorous mind to stay in the here and now.

"Not too bad ... he has his moments though."

The grin on his face felt like old times.

"Yeah, I can imagine ... I thought getting married to Joelle would have calmed him down a little." That had been the last time I saw Deeks, at Callen's wedding where he had been one of the Groomsmen. I had no response to that statement as he glanced out to the waves that were crashing against the sand and when he asked me his next question, I felt the earth shift under my feet.

"How's Jack?"

_What. The. Hell._

There was suddenly no sounds on the beach. No waves. No sea gulls screeching overhead. No shouts or laughter. My entire world compressed into a little bubble around me and the man standing three feet away.

"I ... uh .. really don't know for sure."

Deeks cocked his head to the side and looked at me like a curious dog. "What does that mean?"

I wished and prayed that a meteor would fall from the sky a crush me where I was standing.

"Um ... " There was no reason to hide anything from him, not that it would matter anyway. "We divorced three years ago this July."

It surprised me at the genuinely sad expression that appeared on Deeks' face. "Oh God, Kensi ... I'm sorry ... I didn't know." When he placed a warm hand on my shoulder and gave a soft squeeze, I got light-headed.

"It's okay ... but thanks."

It wasn't okay. Not by a long shot. Here I was standing in front of the man I had loved and then abandoned to chase after the one who had left and abandoned me a long time ago.

_How freaking ironic. _

And he here he was trying to comfort me ... _damn him._

I wanted to punch him right in his big old heart but his hand on my arm felt warm and nice ... and all my former transgressions fell on my shoulders once more. My marriage to Jack had started out wonderful and dream-like ... and that was just what it was ... a dream. I had wanted so badly to fix what had been broken, that I had ignored the fact that Jack and I were no longer the people who we had once been. For years we struggled to hold our marriage together, hoping that one day we would finally click and it would work itself out.

But that day never came.

Instead, we found ourselves in counseling that neither of our hearts were really into. That had led to sad days with attorneys and then a judge who dissolved what was apparently never meant to be in the first place. We had, at least, parted as friends and not enemies that hated each other ... we just regretted not realizing all of it before more hurt and pain was dished out, not only to each other, but to the people around us as well.

"I'm really sorry it didn't work out between you two ... I really am."

His words weren't the fake ones I was expecting or even hoping for. There was no hint of gloating or hidden happiness at how crappy my life had turned out ... Deeks genuinely felt sad ... and that made me want to punch him even more.

I swallowed and left the past in the past. "It's okay Deeks, really ... I'm good."

_I'm good if you're good. _

_Stop it!_

Deeks must have had the same thought because a slight grin formed on his lips ... lips that I knew exactly how they tasted, how they felt against my own, and as they ghosted over my skin.

"Yeah ... it's funny how life works out sometimes, isn't it?" His eyes squinted against the bright sun and for a brief moment, I lost herself in them.

A familiar feeling formed in my stomach and I knew my heart rate was increasing ... I could now hear it pounding in my ears. He was standing right in front of me, being all compassionate and kind to the woman who had snatched his fragile heart out of his chest, threw it on the ground and stomped all over it before walking away to the arms of another man.

Suddenly, the sun was too hot and the air too thick ... and I, Kensi Marie Blye knew exactly what I had to do next. I looked down shyly to gather my courage, and I tried to form the thoughts in my head before I spoke.

_Want to get together and grab a drink or a bite to eat?_

_Could we go somewhere and just talk about everything or nothing ... like we used to?_

_Want to come over and hang-out? _

_Watch America's Next Top Model with me until I fall asleep in your arms?_

_Is there any way on God's earth that you can ever forgive me for ruining what we once had?_

_Would you take me back? Please?_

I started to open my mouth to ask about getting together for a drink when a small child's voice interrupted me.

"Daddy! There you are!"

I turned along with Deeks as a beautiful girl of about five or six came running across the sand, right at us. She had long jet-black hair, dark skin, and a smile straight from Marty Deeks.

"Hey Pumpkin!" Deeks dropped to a knee and caught the little girl who leapt into him, her little arms wrapping tightly around his neck. He stood, pulling her up and she giggled when his scruff rubbed her cheek.

"Daddy! That tickles!"

"That's why I do it, my little mess."

My heart melted right there on the beach and there were no meteors falling from the sky.

Deeks turned so that the little one in his arms could face me and the dumbstruck women sitting a few feet away. "Ladies, this is Anna Leah ... my daughter."

Anna wasn't shy about waving to the strange women. "Hello."

A series of "Hi's" and "Hello's" followed from my friends, but I was still in shock until the small child looked right at me. "I'm Anna, what's your name?"

I tried to speak but my mouth suddenly felt like it was full of cotton.

"Anna, this is Kensi ... we used to work together." Deeks nodded gently toward me and his daughter smiled warmly.

"Hi Kensi."

I cleared my throat and finally found my voice. "Nice to meet you, Anna."

The cute little girl turned quickly to her father, who hugged her tightly. "So, Baby Bear ... where's mommy?"

_Mommy? You have got to be freaking kidding me! This day just keeps getting better and better._

"She's getting the ice cream." Anna wiggled higher in his arms so she could look over his shoulder. "Here she comes."

Deeks turned to his right, scanning the snack bar at the edge of the sand and I followed his gaze that had fallen on a woman walking toward us, three ice cream cones in her hands. She had jet-black hair that matched Anna's and her skin was a light caramel color that indicated a strong Latin-American influence. I was taken aback by just how pretty she was and the closer she got, the bigger the smile on her face grew.

"You found him Anna, I knew if I put you on the case, you would sniff him out." Her voice was soft and smooth, like velvet.

"Woman, are you hinting that I smell?" Deeks squared his shoulders and took a menacing stance.

"Yeah daddy ... you smell!" The tickling that Anna's comment attracted left her squealing with laughter as he lowered her to the sand.

I watched as the dark woman sauntered up to Deeks, their eyes locked and smouldering. She stopped right in front of him and gave him a dark glare. I thought for a moment that the heat was anger ... it wasn't. The fantastic heat of passion and desire that swam between them revealed a married couple so deeply in love with each other, it made it hard to breathe around them. She leaned up onto her tiptoes and he turned his head down, pressing his lips to hers in a soft yet firm kiss.

I heard the girls behind me sigh with extreme disappointment as my heart thumped in my chest. The heat that used to radiate off of him and toward me was still there ... but now it was no longer directed at me ... and I suddenly wanted to cry my soul out.

They were smiling when they pulled apart and it was like they realized that they weren't alone on that particular part of the beach.

"I'm sorry Honey Bear ... " He smiled at her while he turned and nodded in my direction ... the woman's dark eyes found mine. " ... this is Kensi Blye, she was my partner back when I worked for NCIS. Kensi, this is Talia, my wife."

She handed a mint chocolate ice cream cone to Deeks and a strawberry one to Anna, then she wiped her hand on the loose shirt she was wearing over a dark blue bikini. Her handshake was sincere and friendly ... but all I wanted to do at that moment was snap her arm off at the elbow and beat her to death with it. But I smiled and tried not to look like a jealous ex-girlfriend who was going to spend the rest of her life kicking her own ass.

Our "Nice to meet you" overlapped and the two of us actually laughed a little at that.

"Is this the partner that was away on some 'secret assignment' when we first met?"

_First met? WHAT THE HELL!_

I don't know if Deeks caught the confused look in my eyes, but he nodded as he explained. "Yeah, she was." Then he turned to face me. "When you were in Afghanistan, we had a case that crossed over into a DEA operation ... Talia was undercover and we ended up busting a terrorist money pipeline with her help."

"Yeah, that was the first time I met Marty ... we didn't exactly see eye-to-eye the entire time ... " She gave him a warm look that made him almost blush. " ... but after a while, we came to understand each other, for the most part."

I swallowed the small tinge of jealousy that was trying to bubble inside of me ... I was the last person on the planet that had any right to be jealous, not after what I did to Deeks. "So ... how long have you two been ... you know ... married?"

"Seven years this June." Talia turned and the adoring look she gave her husband made my throat dry up once more. I also noted that since they had been standing together, they had stayed in constant physical contact ... something that would have been true of me and my Deeks long ago.

_My Deeks._

The thoughts that started to flood my mind were interrupted as they decided to me more about their happy story. "I was attending a drug interdiction course over at the academy and Talia was one of the instructors. We went out for drinks, you know ... catch up ... share some war stories ... " Deeks' smile was growing by the moment and I knew in my heart that he wasn't intentionally causing me pain, but it hurt like hell the more he spoke. " ... I guess the rest just sort of happened."

Talia continued when Deeks took a bite of his ice cream cone that was starting to drip. "Yeah ... I basically threw myself at poor Marty here the first time we met on that case ... "

I know it was irrational and completely stupid, but I had a sudden impulse to hurt someone ... mainly the woman standing there with her arm wrapped around Deeks' waist. When she continued, my anger turned back to shame, regret, and loathing ... directed right at myself.

" ... but he shot me down ... was a true gentleman." She looked over at me, and I suspect she didn't fully understand what her next comment did to me. "I think that back then, he had a huge crush on someone ... but I guess it didn't work out."

I looked at Deeks, hoping to see shame ... maybe a little bit of embarrassment in his eyes or on his face. All I saw was the love he now had for the woman standing with him. It was like I wasn't even there ... and then it hit me.

After what I did to him ... he had let me go ... completely.

I guess I understood. I guess it was the only way to truly move on and live the life that you still had.

Deeks had done that. He had left me in the past, where I had chosen Jack over him and he had found a new life with a beautiful, kind woman and a darling little girl who had traits of both of her parents in her.

A glob of ice cream dripped onto Talia's right hand, causing her to gasp. "Hey, we'd better hurry up and go eat these before they melt."

"My stuff's over by the lifeguard tower." Deeks nodded over his shoulder as he bent down and kissed Anna on her cheek, making her giggle again.

When the girl grabbed her mother's hand, Talia leaned in and kissed her husband softly on the lips. "Ummm ... you taste like mint and chocolate ... two of my favorite things."

I felt sick.

"Kensi ... " Deeks had turned back to me, a gentle smile on his face. " ... it was really good to see you again."

"Same here." I wanted to just die right there. "It was nice meeting you Talia and you too, Anna."

"Bye Kensi." Anna had more ice cream on her hands and her face than inside the cone.

Talia shook my hand again, a warm smile on her face. "You too Kensi." She kissed her husband lightly on the cheek before she stepped away with their daughter who was tugging her toward the water's edge. "We'll head over while you talk to your friend ... catch up when you're done."

We were done.

We had been for so long.

We were so done it was about to make me throw up.

There wasn't much left, not from Deeks' side anyway.

The mother and child skipped into the foam caused by the crashing waves and when I looked at Deeks' face as he watched them ... I had never seen him happier. I touched his arm gently, causing him to turn and look at me. "You have a beautiful family Deeks ... I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks ... and yes, I have everything I've always wanted."

His eyes weren't looking at me as he spoke ... he was watching his wife and daughter play at the edge of the surf.

I hadn't lied ... I was happy for him.

I had to be or I would go absolutely bat-shit crazy thinking about all of it.

His free arm wrapped around my shoulder and pulled me into an awkward side-hug that felt absolutely ridiculous to me. With one more firm squeeze, he released me, grabbed up his board and started to walk away to follow after his family.

He was a few steps away when he spun to look at me once more. "Take care of yourself Kensi ... maybe I'll see you around."

And then he walked away without waiting for my reply, so I just called out to his back. "Good-bye Deeks."

He waved his free hand over his shoulder but he didn't look back.

I was glad for that.

I didn't want him to see the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes as I watched him walk away from me. I watched him join his family, his wife's arm coming easily around his waist as his little girl danced in the water to a song only she could hear. I watched until they disappeared among all the other beach-goers but for some reason I still couldn't move.

The Deeks I had just spoke to wasn't _my_ Deeks.

Not any more.

My Deeks had once been just that ... mine.

My Deeks had been faithful to me, both patient and kind.

My Deeks had given all of himself for me.

My Deeks now only existed in my dreams where he would once again come and chase away the demons that still haunted me.

My Deeks had been thrown away by me so I could chase after an already broken dream.

Now ... _my_ Deeks had become _their _Deeks ... _her_ Deeks.

And as I stood on the warm sand next to the Pacific ocean, I knew that if I ever thought I had been broken before ... I had been terribly mistaken.

I am Bad Ass Blye ... and I will go back to my lonely apartment and my humorless job ... I'll live out the rest of my life knowing that I had forevermore lost the one thing ... the one person ... that had made it all worthwhile.

And he had once been my light.

My hope.

My dream.

My life.

My Deeks.

...

* * *

**A/N: I know ... I know ... but this was the only conclusion that made sense to me. If you had another way of this all working out, then take some time to write it out and submit it to FANFIC ... this is just the story that wouldn't leave me alone after "The Spoils of War" aired on Tuesday night. I may not have seen the episode the way you did ... but there is a disturbance in the Force and I fear there are dark times ahead for our Kensi and Deeks.**

**Leave your thoughts ... happy or sad ... angry or joyful.**

**Semper Fi**

**JS**


End file.
